Kandyce King
Different upbringing, different scenario, I’d be there, you’d be here. How can I reconcile this thin line of simple circumstance?
I see you, I believe you, I know the journey of life is hard. The grit you have, the determination, don’t let go. He’s coming back for us.
People seem to shy away from the mentally ill, I get it. I can’t always trust my brain to do what’s right and I become impulsive, passive aggressive… All of my worst and best get magnified - the veil between my heaven and hell is thin.
If I can’t trust myself, how am I supposed to hope others will trust me??? In all of this, I keep thinking about Jesus and how HE didn’t trust man because he knew what was in us.
I really must only put my trust in God, and give benefit of the doubt for humanity… also Jesus said something about being shrewd as a serpent and innocent as a dove - just googled it - Mathew 10 something.
So, mental illness - for me - is isolating and lonely. Grateful for people who hang on while I do my best to hang on too.
Welp, it’s my bday. Today isn’t a word, but a number :) the last week things sped up a bit and I had a lot of ideas around all sorts of things. Was a bit worried it would get out of hand, but God is good, my community is good, and I have learned. Mostly just grateful today, not sad. I used to feel grief around what life was supposed to look like. Maybe it will pop up again, but maybe not. Open to God’s leading as He goes ahead of me this year and so grateful to have made it to 42.
The dog is barking, the pager has not beeped, I cannot figure out how to write my paper… I feel lost. Maybe more confused then lost. Today was an “ease in” kind of day. By ease in, I mean sleeping in. Usually wrought with guilt for not getting out of bed and getting on with the day - I let things evolve slowly and gave myself as much grace as I could. A glass of water, a walk to the morning coffee stop and pet shop for Bailey. Then home to a cluttered, dirty, and messy house - ADHD getting the best of me. I bounced from room to room tidying and cleaning. This afternoon, I found myself working or trying to. Revisiting old journals and revising old essays for an upcoming paper that needs completing. The journal, a welcome distraction. The art studio calls and I don’t know where God is leading my future. I keep taking steps forward and am open to many opportunities. Determination set for 2024 and a return to the classroom. A man may plan his steps, but God directs them??? I can’t recall the verse exactly. A lot can happen in the span of a year… May I be open, humble, trusting, full of grace and love for the journey.
Persist. Not much to like about this word, but here it is. One miniscual moment at a time - persist.
/ laugh /
capturing a laugh
crystalizing it
like they do with those
museum butterflies
pass it along
when brains are blue
and hearts are disenchanted
play it and the clock stops
it takes you on a trip
traveling time
to lighter days
laugh
#healingthroughwords @rupikaur_ thank you for you journal prompts tears dropped on the page as I wrote this morning.
I’m asking you
hold on
wild as I am
deep as I am
accept Me
this is
who I am
I belong to You
belong to Me
come as you are
OPEN
You’re received
accepted
not rejected
You, you are
cherished
You, you are
loved
You, you are
mine
Creations long to be seen (I think). Sharing is caring, or so I was taught. IG made it possible for a lot of artist to “be seen” and connect in virtual community. We speak the same language and even within art there are genres or if I am using language still, dialects.
Speaking as an artist, it feels good when creations are recognized - because… part of ME is recognized. Awe, but it is part of WHO is in me, not me. Who gave me the gifts - I must always be grateful!
Have you listened to the song “Grateful” by Brandon Lake? It topped my Spotify two years ago and I listen to it often. Note to all of us reading this morning - Let us be co-creators and always give The Divine rights to our work because, we are HIS work. Masterpieces created anew to do good works HE planned long ago - Ephesians.
Tearful eyes, blotchy and hot rn but lighter.
I’ve never been a mother, never been pregnant and the grief around that comes in waves.
The societal, familial, cultural, and even spiritual pressure feels intense sometimes.
I often feel like an outsider on a different frontier. I’ve gone to specialists to make the most of my informed decision.
Today, a cherished confidant spoke healing into my grief. This mother of four told me a good mother would protect their child at any cost and my choice not to have a child even though it was a hard choice and not congruent with everything the world programs into us as women - was a choice of protection.
She told me, “Kandyce, you’re a good mom.”
As I type this the tears are coming quick. This was probably the most healing I have felt around this issue. I made the choice a good mom would’ve made. Tears, tears, tears. Healing is here.
#bipolar1 #motherhoodrising #grief #healing #gratefulfortherapy #gratefulheart #longingheart
Teaching art, snowed in, body aches, and warm yellow light. Just what’s been happening the last few days. Still feeling slow…
This weekend was so good, being in galleries is a religious/spiritual experience (for me). However, It was bad too. I went back to the gram and FB - when dying to digital self… they make you wait for two months for deletion! I was holding strong ONLY FOR A WEEK AND HALF (which btw felt freeing) I went back to what filled me with anxiety. I deleted the apps off my phone, but am logged back in. IT’s a runaway train right? Seems as if I want to stay connected, I have to stay connected. Last night anxiety arose. How are our young people surviving? I had spent (in my mind) too much money playing while walking by houseless people on the street, it felt bad. Being an artist in congruence with being a servant and carrying my cross - I am not sure how that works…
I committed to writing everyday in February, but my brain happened to slow down. I sense physical depression setting in. I took a nap yesterday and that was a first in months. Today, I slept in - another first in months. 15lbs up and I can see why people dislike staying on their medications. Looking forward to seeing my doctor and discussing options. In a perfect world, I think I could control most of this - but I can’t curate everything, it’s just not possible. So, I will be patient, steadfast, and try not to sleep too much.
Sitting in silence after listening to part of Brennan Manning’s book ABBA’s CHILD, I am called to write. My fingers are numb, they hurt from this morning’s walk with Bailey. My mind flashes back to toeless, house less people in the hospital and my fingers ache all the more. I touched his toes without gloves and asked about his situation. My fingers are warm now and I have nothing more to say.
Attempted to write poetry at the gorgeous beach today, but it doesn’t come naturally when I am feeling slower. However, the one phrase that kept coming back to me was - I found a Psalm amidst the wild sea… I know this eventually will evolve someday into a poem - but today wasn’t the day. Today was the day to lay on a blanket and let my face “bake” in 50 degree sunshine after a frosty February start to the morning. Grateful for sunshine.
Ribbons of Grace
ribbons of grace
woven through life
simple and profound
smoothing coarse ground
taming callous hearts
mending broken parts
forever grateful
never earned
always given
ribbons of grace
Creativity found me here today. Creating soft, fluid, layers - Waves of Grace - WIP Lots of layers to go!!!
“In the beginning, God - “CREATED (the students shouted)!”
“So, what does that make God? An artist (the students shouted again)!”
“AND we were created in His image, so what does that make us? Artists! (Their final shout and we were off to the races with questions and creating)”
The students were very literal and it was fun to use the CPE wheel to take the two opportunities I felt missed with them and reincorporate, integrate, affirm, and try again today. My soul is longing to see what they will create today. I cannot wait. If you get a chance - Art Your Heart today… if you don’t know what that means? It’s really just an invitation to make some marks on a page. Ask yourself, what color is my heart today and invite God in to mend or praise or… art your heart.
Woke up with the word friend on my mind/heart.
There are different kind of friends, acquaintances, friends, best friends, soul sisters…
There are possessive friends, argumentative friends, loud friends, quiet friends, impatient friends -
I think within us all - are all the things to some degree…
The loving friend is the best kind. The friend that considers others first. Jesus thought of us first and on this stage may we find a friend in Jesus aka love.
ANXIETY unfortunately it’s the word of the afternoon! Ick. Clouds rolled in and doubts, projections, and fear of the future. Guess where I went to displace? IG or FB, but when I went to type it in my app search bar to find on my Home Screen - it wasn’t there. Crazy how deep that pathway must be that I reach for my device to displace the unease in my gut. So here now I am writing about it on day 6/28. Found my way into my cozy bed and am giving myself grace for bit. The enemy of our soul knows when we are onto something that is supposed to set us free. He won’t have the last say and I am thankful for that today.
Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. Unlike genetic changes, epigenetic changes are reversible and do not change your DNA sequence, but they can change how your body reads a DNA sequence.
Every wonder and think our sins and the sins of our forefathers changed the way we operate? I think there’s something there. The Body Keeps The Score - all intentions to get through that book, but couldn’t it was too meaty! I am setting my mind to read more these days - no more IG or FB means more IRL.