Wish

Today - three months to rest - to heal. Wishing I could lay on Dr. Ashley’s couch for the next seven hours and just talk, but that would cost a fortune. So, instead - I write. New favorite line from a song written by Semler “and there’s a galaxy behind your eyelids” off her album Stages of Breakdown.

Today, I recounted my last moments with Tami. Her cold arms, her dry lips. I promised to bring back do-terra oils to give a proper massage of hands and feet, but she died. It didn’t feel real until we gathered. I feel bad there wasn’t more time. We weren’t built for this life. I mean we were, but we weren’t… didn’t C.S. Lewis say or the Bible say “He put eternity in our hearts.”

I think her and I will probably learn to line dance someday in the future. I love to dance, but suck at it. We will laugh together.

I come from what feels like a giant family and really its probably not that big compared to others. Five of fifteen firsts will assemble this weekend here at our home. Cackling, creating, and who knows what else will commence.

Bailey will be back with us after his vacation at grandpa and grandma’s. The world just keeps spinning. I can’t look at the news right now, I feel fragile and that is hard to admit. I feel like one more thing could just split me open and I would never be able to get back up.

Yesterday, I was content - at peace. Today, grief. Tonight, salsa. Tomorrow, a plumber, the next day… Grateful, tired, achy, the list of feelings goes on. I can’t paint because my left hand is re-injured, which causes concern. What happens if I can’t paint, climb… reminds me of a Mary Oliver poem from the book Devotions that I desperately want back from a friend I lent it to.

God has provided me with so much grace because if I cannot do life? How is everyone else surviving?